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1. Set your issues aside
Make a commitment to yourself and to each other that you will temporarily put the problems aside in your marriage and nurture your friendship. Before you can tackle your problems, you need to build goodwill with your spouse and create a strong friendship. I know that most people just want to tackle the problems head-on, but if you're angry, sad, or frustrated with your spouse about a set of problems, you will not be able to resolve them effectively until you start building rapport. Think about the last time you brought up problems when you were upset with one another. Did anything get resolved or did the problems just multiply? Most likely, trying to solve problems when you are frustrated only makes you more overwhelmed, which leads to even bigger fights. Most couples come into therapy ready to fight and discuss their long list of problems. Once your spouse recognizes that you are sincerely trying to work on the marriage, they will feel more motivated to cooperate and compromise when discussing the problems. Realize that you are not ignoring the problem; you are simply putting it on hold until you are both in the right state of mind to address it in an effective way.
2. Put your spouse first
Decide to focus on what makes your spouse happy and commit to doing loving acts that make your spouse feel like a priority! Focus on what they like, how they want to be treated, what turns them on, what they like you to wear, what foods they enjoy, and what activities they want to do. Treat them the way you did when you first met them. Remember how important you made them feel because of the time and effort you put into looking good and making sure you did everything that was pleasing to them? Make them feel like a priority in your life by dressing them up for them, making them feel special, and doing loving acts that will make them feel cared for.
3. Construct The Love
Value each other, treat each other with kindness and respect, and continue to enjoy each other's company in order to strengthen your marriage and keep your love alive. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking the love is gone because you are not feeling the emotions as strongly as you did at the beginning of the marriage. You feel hopeless about ever getting the love back, so you may try to capture the excitement with other people. If that loving feeling has gone away, do more loving acts to recreate the love with the person you are married to. Remember that the most valuable gift you can ever give your spouse is your undivided attention. We are so distracted by all our devices that each person is yearning for the love and attention of their spouse. If you want your spouse to feel loved, turn off the devices, make eye contact, and help your spouse feel heard and understood when they are talking with you.
4. Move from Me to We
Value comes from eating at least one meal a day together, sleeping at the same time, and connecting emotionally each and every day! Many couples live as roommates, sleeping and eating at different times. Make an effort to synchronize your schedule so that you eat at least one meal together each day and sleep at the same time. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of these simple acts. It tells your spouse that they are important, that you enjoy their time, and that your life is united, not separated. Try to designate time together to reconnect, do fun activities, and unwind. Instead of doing activities on your own or with friends, try to do them with your spouse. When you move from me to we, it creates a feeling of togetherness and teamwork.
5. Avoid Making Comparisons With Others
Don't compare your spouse with others. They are a package deal--accept them as they are! Don’t compare your spouse with anyone else. As soon as you do, you will feel ungrateful and your spouse will feel inadequate. The best rule is to be grateful for what you do have in your life. Realize that your spouse is a package deal and you can’t take one negative aspect of your spouse and compare it against the polished image of someone else. Accept your spouse wholeheartedly and never make them feel inadequate by comparing them to anyone else.
6. Avoid adding fuel to the fire
Don't add fuel to the fire by getting mad when your spouse is upset. Stay calm and wait for the storm to pass! Many times, you may be tempted to add fuel to the fire rather than put it out. If your spouse is mad, don’t escalate the situation by getting mad back. Simply try to remain calm or diffuse their anger with humor, love, or kindness. Focus on putting out the fires in your marriage rather than adding fuel to them.
7. Avoid Trying to Change Your Spouse
Love your spouse as they are. Don't try to change them. Simply make them feel accepted!
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